Jim Shelley discovers that CBB can actually go downmarket

By Jim Shelley

PUBLISHED: 05:38 EST, 25 August 2013 | UPDATED: 11:01 EST, 25 August 2013

Love it or loathe it Celebrity Big Brother continues to deliver on one level at least.

Just when you think you’ve seen it all, it will effortlessly top even the most surreal/squalid moments that the demented array of Reality TV shows on our screens have come up with.

It only took until Day Two before when we were treated to the jaw-dropping/eye-watering spectacle of Louie Spence grilling transsexual Lauren Harries about the depth of her vagina.

Deep and meaningless: Celebrity Big Brother has achieved the not inconsiderable feat of taking series even more downmarket than usual this year

‘So is it a big one ?’ Spencer demanded eagerly, an issue he probably pursues more typically of men.

He didn’t stop there either. (If only...)

‘How long have you had your vagina ?’ he persisted, on learning that Harries had been celibate for six years.

‘15 years,’ came the reply.

‘So it has been used then...’ Spence deduced, his curiosity satiated.

No doubt this was the kind of conversation the inventors of television imagined when they were working so hard.

There is now the very real possibility that Harries’ vagina will be a close second to the infamous appearance on Wogan 25 years ago as what she is remembered for..

Hopefully, this will be more than the fame-hungry, bitter monster that is Louie Spence, who seems to think being gay makes him fascinating – that and doing the splits.

Plastic fantastic: American star Courtney Stodden provided any women considering breast implants with an invaluable piece of advice on how to maintain them: wearing a bra

Frank discussions: The house have had conversations ranging from boob jobs to racism. Louie Spence (right) meanwhile can do the splits

Never one to be outdone, the diary room found Geordie Shore’s Charlotte Crosby confirming she’d had a good day.

‘I made some bread !’ she enthused, going to far as to claim that ‘being in the Big Brother house is turning me into a good wife.’

This, she elaborated, was because she was learning to do the boring chores the role needs, explaining that she was already an expert in the main requirement for being a good wife: oral sex. Gulp. The days of young ladies being sent to Swiss finishing schools to learn how to walk around with books on their head maybe over.

Elsewhere Dustin Diamond confirmed that he would probably be prepared to do a commercial for thrush or herpes (well not for them - for the treatment). Viewers had probably gathered this already. Appearing on Celebrity Big Brother is probably one step below those.

Courtney Stodden also offered up a lesson in how to maintain your breast implants, advocating changing them ‘every 7-10 years - like changing the tyres on a car.’

Her other piece of invaluable advice for any women considering having them done was: ‘I have to wear a bra’ - something bound to make them re-consider.

One illuminating insight was that Courtney is not famous in the States either.

‘She married a 50 year old dude when she was 16,’ Abz explained.

‘That’s it ?!’ spluttered Saved By The Bell star, Dustin Diamond. 'Oh. Ok.'

From left to right: CBB-ies' 'Cult of Celebrity': former model and cocaine addict Sophie Anderton, former child prodigy and transsexual Lauren Harries and Louie Spence, who can do the splits

Charlotte Crosby didn’t care either way.

‘I could just watch her old day,’ she swooned. ‘She’s like the drawings I used to do – when you draw boobs on stick men to show it’s a woman. She’s like a human stick woman !’

Genius - in a way.

Continuing this rich vein of analysis, Charlotte announced that the only person she loved more than Courtney was former manager and football pundit, Ron Atkinson.

‘I love Ron ! Ron reminds us of Santa ! He’s so jolly. He’s just a lovely old man !’

When Santa/Ron was nominated for eviction, Charlotte became so angry, she laid into the buffet, announcing: ‘I’ve just punched a cake !’

Such madness may have represented a new (demented) low, even for the depths of Z-list Reality TV, but conversations about Lauren Harries’ vagina were more entertaining than most of the conversations.

Mind you, Lauren's vagina is probably deeper than most of the housemates too. You’re know you’re in trouble when the brightest one in the house is from TOWIE.

Miss Mario Marples was the only housemate smart enough to realise Harries, Spence, and Sophie Anderton were lying about having just arrived and who suspected they had been spying on them.

That’s not to say there weren’t a few priceless insights into the glorious delusion of celebrities.

‘When I go and talk to Abz, he seems like he doesn’t want to know,’ lamented Mario, clearly unable to imagine why.

Stop the madness: Harries (left), Anderton (centre) and Spence (irritant) dress up as 'the Cult Of Celebrity' - probably the only organisation that would have them

Probing: Sophie Anderton (left) pretends she's not looking at Courtney Stodden's breasts and wondering if they're real

We were also treated to the sight of Lauren Harries expounding about ‘the pitfalls of fame’, as if that appearance on Wogan was only yesterday, not 25 years ago.

This speech was made to Sophie Anderton who expertly steered the conversation on to her favourite subject – herself – alluding to her demise by declaring: ‘thankfully I’m back in a very strong position again’, ignoring any impression that appearing on Celebrity Big Brother might suggest this position wasn’t that strong.

The final moment of madness came when Big Brother called Carol McGiffin to the diary room to censure her for explaining to Louie Spence why Ron Atkinson’s career as a football pundit had ended in disgrace, and citing the exact racial epithet that he had used.

She was issued an official warning, despite the fact that McGiffin’s repetition of the offensive quote had not been heard by viewers because it was bleeped out.

Nonetheless, Big Brother told her it regarded the language as ‘offensive’, before promptly using the word ‘n****r’ too, this time openly for all to hear.

So the programme had effectively punished McGiffin for repeating the facts of a news story and without viewers being offended when what 'Big Brother' had done was far more gratuitous and unacceptable.

Proof if it were needed that this year the madness has gone too far and on Celebrity Big Brother, anything is possible.

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